It’s Been a While…

Hello Nobody! Sorry for my unscheduled hiatus, I’ve either been too busy, lazy, angry, excited, tired or forgetful to write. Plus, I now seem to live on Tumblr, it’s a wild, beautiful and crazy world over there.

Anywho, happy new year! Let’s see what can I say to you poor folks, who have unwittingly stumbled onto this blog – expect chaos, randomness, the occasional witty remark, more forays into fiction, my ongoing nonchalant attempt at taking over the world and chocolate! Delivered to you with imprecise precision. To my long suffering regulars – the usual and finally discovering the answer to life.

Just thought you’d love to “hear” my voice…I could actually attempt those weird podcasts again, oh italics, how I’ve missed you…while I inform you I’m still alive and well. I was considering on ranting about the abysmal result of the UK MEP elections, but I’ll leave that to those voters, who voted for lies masquerading as truths.

 

 

 

…I wonder if I can…..NOPE I can’t magically replace the batteries in my remote. Life is unfair.

Charming

At 11:19 this morning, I didn’t expect the loveliest international cold call from a company representing Lifestyle Surverys, now cold calls are not news to me, my Orange mobile (I’ve had it for over 11 years) is the King of receiving cold calls. I even get automated cold calls as my voicemails – always truncated, forever telling me to press 3 for yada yada yada…

Anywho, onto the charming 5-10 minute cold call. I receive my call from +02070781911 and I go this will be interesting. I say hello and a lovely man responds likewise, he gives me a name, which I’ve forgotten – we will call him Bob. Lovely Bob recites a well memorised blurp and gives me the obligatory “our calls are recorded for training purposes” chant. My Spidey-Sacastic-Charmingly-Polite senses are tingling…I’m going to be my nice sweet-like-honey-with-a-hint-of-cyanide-self ’cause I hear the words “we value your privacy.”

I ask how they received my number, Lovely Bob goes on abount outsource companies and elsewhere, I nod then I remember I’m on the phone, “OK.” “So Madam, could you confirm your post code is….”. I laugh, this is so going to be good, “I think I’ve narrowed down where you got my information.” Then I decline and the merry-go-round begins, he says Madam and repeats the question, I repeat my answer, we do this for a while, he even complements my voice, I thank Lovely Bob. I point out about the irony of valuing my privacy a few times, we laugh, dear I say giggle a few times. I point out I’m surprised Lovely Bob doesn’t have my name, since the Madam thing is freaking me out a little, he retorts with Miss instead. I kinda like Lovely Bob…Then I realise, after my I’ve repeated myself a few times, that it’s time I end this ’cause I really want to watch Haven, so this happens-

I am really sorry, I know you have to reach your quota, but unfortunately it will not be with me. I will not give you my current postcode, because I value my privacy and you already have enough information about me.

Lovely Bob understands, I’ll credit this to the tone my voice takes when I talk slower and the Charm takes full effect. Ask my sister about the Charm, when it comes out, it’s a revelation. We say our thank yous and cheerily say our goodbyes like high school sweethearts. Who says I don’t have excitement in my life?

Remember kids don’t bullshit a bullshitter…

He

He only did one thing well…

With a single word, he enters her life. He promises her the world, its taste, its smell, its desires. With endless words and caresses, he charms her, now she wants to know… to feel…to be…more. He pulls her into his web, she is his willing prey.

With every touch, taste, nip, pull, push, lie, slap, thrust, thought he tramples her heart, moulds her into his creation. She now longs and breathes for him. With nothing left, he discards his new conquest, sitting on her chest, while she lays on his bed, for she is now his – a damsel far in distress. A dame with no name, in a game where she is game. A toy that never was his favourite, but will never know the touch of another.

She now knows nothing…only him, her purpose is to please him. Her plan is ready, the date is now, the weight she feels on her chest, will only last for a few moments more. “This is it.” she smiles as she leans back. The air is bliss, she feels his touch as she floats, her mission now complete, everything turns to black. She is forever his.

…he is The Perfect LadyKiller.

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And now, the rules.  Because we said so.

  • your post must be dated October 13, 2013, or later
  • submissions must be 750 words or fewer
  • submissions must be fiction or poetry, including fictional accounts of true stories
  • your piece must start with the following line: “He only did one thing well.”
  • though your post is NOT about the media prompt above, you must make some reference to it
  • the speakeasy is designed for submissions written specifically for the grid. Please do not submit an entry if you intend to showcase it to another blog link-up. Such posts are deleted without notice and we’ll send that demon-y little fella after you.
  • please do not post explanations, qualifications or other stuff prior to the beginning of your post. If you need to clarify anything, feel free to do so briefly at the end.
  • the badge for your speakeasy #131 post is found in the sidebar. Be sure to add the code to the html view of your post before publishing

Remember, thinking outside the box is super-cool.  And writing inside the box never gets seen unless you tear it open to find the cereal coupon.  So don’t write inside that box.

People Google the Darnest Things

It’s been a long time since I’ve done one of these, so let’s hop to it.

This week:

  • felix orphan black
  • what happens if you fail the mini sexgame in god of war 3
  • darth vader riding on charizard

My faves from the past 30 days:

  • the last of us rubbish
  • 5 things learnt from god
  • 5 things learnt from god with explanation
  • kabalarians is bullshit

My all time faves:

  • naruto children need help
  • beyonce breast
  • meaning of screwd
  • dodo’s conundrum
  • define: utter rubbish
  • i hate adaobi
  • organizational chart of power holding company of nigeria plc
  • butt licking blogs
  • beyoncé feet
  • adetayo ayowale onile-ere wikipedia disappeared
  • gow coo second horse statue
  • taio cruz speaking pidgin
  • 1985 is rubbish
  • girl utterly hanging wedgies
  • matlab is rubbish
  • “dede mabiaku”,”underwear”
  • another word for utter rubbish, starts with a t
  • rubbish ironic
  • lost girl crotch lasers
  • dominatrix wedgie ks
  • what is this kalabarian nonsense about?
  • sierra mousad dollhouse doesn’t even double tag
  • you tube fecal porn

Sometimes, the internet really is awesome, although why someone would ever Google the last search term…then actually thought my blog was the answer to it…I will never know.

It’s Time

She fills the bath, takes off her ring – she wouldn’t need it anymore. The stage is set, it’s time – she sips her water determined to end it all. “LOST – time to make sense.”

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For Trifextra 77

On now to this weekend’s Trifextra challenge.  This weekend we are giving you three words and asking for you to give us back another thirty of your own, making a grand total of thirty-three words.

Your words to work with are:

ring
water
stage

Now time to clean the house, this will be fun…

What Should Have Been

You see, if I had taken the time to maul over the past weekend’s Trifextra, you lovely folks, would have had this 3 word beauty instead.

Vivid imagination splatters.

This beauty came mere minutes after I reread the instructions, the light bulb above my head went **choir sings** “AAAAAAAHHHH” *choir sings** then proceeded to mock me endlessly, till I posted it. Now, it’s even mocking me some more with – Vivid imaginative splatter.

See Writing Challenges for explanation of new category.

Why do I always crave cookies?

My Process

Stare, Ponder…Type.

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In true fashion, I didn’t really pay attention, so I wrote this initial 33 word entry [for your retention/attention. Bloody hell, I need intervention] My head’s feeling rhymey

I read I stare, sometimes I glare.

I ponder while I blunder, hoping to show off my wonder.

Then I type away.

The 5 minutes it takes to piece together my faux masterpiece.

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For Trifextra 76

This weekend, we’re asking for you to sum up your own process with just three little words.  Give us dry wit, pathos or otherwise.  And remember, we like your blood on the page.

The day I actually take my time to write, I’ll probably win a Trifextra and maybe even life.

Fingers

With…

…the stroke of my pen,

…a Swype of my touchpad keyboard,

…the tippy tapping of my laptop keyboard,

another internet gangster slain. I wonder, if any remain?

Hail to my deadly fingers.

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For Trifextra 75

Last weekend we gave you a super prescriptive prompt.  We also promised you we’d ease up this week.  As such, this weekend we are asking for a thirty-three word free-write.  Any topic, any style–just give us your best thirty three.

 

Hey, I did say I was kinda of an ass, you’ve gotta love continuity. Thanks to this excellent comment. It was the first thing I read this morning, a mere minute after I woke up – after laughing for 5 minutes, I said “Challenge Accepted.” Yes, I know I went a bit OTT with the Google search, but my assiness wouldn’t let it slide…

EDIT: Happy 280th post!

To be or not to be

image

OK, this was initially for my Tumblr, but I might as well post it here…

Doing this from my phone, ’cause I’m too tired to sort out my laptop…

EDIT: Had to get my laptop, ’cause moonshine won’t let me post it on the grid through my phone…Damn Swype making me look crazier than usual…