It pains me everytime I read about a suicide. The saddest I have ever read was about a 9 year old, who was bullied on a regular basis. He killed himself at 9. The mind buggles, he thought his only solution was to kill himself at 9. That’s 1994-1995 for me, I turned 9, when I was in primary 5, I wrote my common entrance exam roughly 5 months after on my Mum’s birthday. I got into secondary school a few months later, still 9, then I turned 10 roughly two months in my first year of seconday school.
At 9, I didn’t even think of suicide, apart from developing a healthy fear for both mortality and eternity, that’s another story involving heaven, earth and my analytical brain. Whenever, I got bullied in primary school – I either held my ground, mean mugged, gave the occasional bitch slap – my ass could fight, or STFU (that was specifically for my main tormentor Onyinye Okafor – my mum said I was more or less scared shitless of her…), I still told my parents, not all the time, of course – kids have street cred too, not only those ice-cream gangsters…
The one thing I never let it do was get to me to that extent. You don’t let them get to you, you shouldn’t let it get to you. It means those bastards win. Maybe ’cause I have been versed in video game mentality for a very long period. And I pratically live by one quote – “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. Thanks to the 6 years I spent in secondary school, I went from a loud extrovert to a rather loud observant introvert, with a major laid-back attitude. Plus, major BSer, who can detect BS within a 5-mile radius.
Maybe 9 was the pinnacle of my life, but as a teen & adult, I’ve done relatively stupid dren, frell I still do relatively stupid dren that has probably booked me a first class ticket straight to hell, with complimentary drinks with its leader. And when I get one of those epiphanies, I logically think about it and even consider various interesting ways to go – too much comics, films & games really cultivate a morbid mind, especially when said mind really wants itself to suffer. Then I remember the one thing that stops me – “I am being a coward, I’ve to face my own problems – especially if it was my fault.” I think about how my parents would feel, how my closest friends would feel that I didn’t confide in them and how they feel that they weren’t able to help me at a time I felt I needed them the most.
I know their anti-bullying campaigns out there, with their different slogans and arm bands, and when you’re the receiver – it feels like they are all talking gobshite bullocks, but it will get better. You need to talk to someone, you need to let it out, you need to vent it out properly, before you become a statistic. Or that statistic, that goes to school on a killing spree.
Obviously, it’s not only bullying that leads to suicide, there are a lot of other things, but I’m guessing the main instigator is shame. You’ve done something, that no one will forgive you for. Something, that your parents will eternally break your parents/family. Let me tell you this, unless your parents are truly evil demonic bastards or your ass might be just plain bat shit crazy, THEY WILL FORGIVE. Never underestimate the power of love – wow I’m really sounding cheesy. They brought you into this world, they want you to still be in it, when they leave. Even when you’re a repeat offender, your parents/family will always surprise you.
Now, if it’s something done to you. You need to know it’s not your fault. Look, do not be surprised at the depth of evil people possess. There are people out there, who do scary shit just because they can. You need to deal with that shame, seek help, if you feel you’re not strong. Letting it fester in your mind is not good. Shoulda, woulda, coulda is not going to solve it, will probably drive you crazy. Unfortunately it’s happened, now it’s time to build yourself back again, ’cause you really don’t want to live in the then, you have to continue living in the now and future.
I don’t claim to know the answers, dren, I’m still clueless myself, but I’ll listen, if you want to. Hey, I don’t know you from Adam, you’d be surprised how easy it is to talk to someone you don’t know. It does get better, sorry now I feel like an after school special. My comments are moderated, so it’s not a free for all. I don’t expect a lot of people to read this, but if it just helps even a single person…